E3 Survival Guide in Three Easy METAL TIPS

Greetings, my faithful fans. Your buddy Metal Steve is back once again to be the guiding light in your hour of need. You were probably thinking, “I am but a lost sheep without a shepherd” but never fear, for Shepherd Steve is here to show you where to find the tastiest grass to munch upon and possibly find some cute girl sheep to mount, unless you’re a girl sheep, in which case I’ll find you a studly man sheep to mount you. Well, not mount, but go to a video games convention, actually! Haha!

The Electronics Entertainment Expo (or E3 as we call it in “the biz” haha!) is going to be here in almost no time, and you might have your bags all packed and are ready to go, but you don’t know what to expect. You might be like, “Do I need to bring my business cards?” or maybe “What hotel should I stay in?” Those are the tips you can find anywhere, even from amateurs. I won’t waste your time with that type of stuff.

Instead, your king Metal Steve is here to give you my E3 Survival Guide in Three Easy METAL TIPS you won’t find anywhere else. LISTEN, YOUNG GRASSHOPPER, AND LEARN FROM YOUR GUITAR-PLAYING MASTER. So, without further ado, let’s dig into the secret E3 tips that you won’t find in Nintendo Power, Gamepro, or any other favorite video game magazine you probably have stacked up by your toilet to read when you’re dropping the kids off at the pool, so to speak. Haha!

Tip 1: Scare Away the Homeless

E3 takes place in downtown Los Angeles, which is crawling with homeless people. The video games industry makes billions of dollars every month, and the homeless know this. They swarm around the Los Angeles Convention Center and won’t let video games journalists and video games developers into the Convention Center without giving them some money.

Getting asked for change by bums doesn’t sound like a big deal, right? You might even be ready to stop reading my tips and give me a lecture by saying, “Steve, you’re wasting my time. Anyone can give bums money.” But slow down just a minute there, partner, because Cowboy Steve can tell you that these homeless are of a different variety than the usual crop. THEY’RE LIKE ZOMBIES: THEY JUST KEEP COMING AND COMING! If you give one of them some change, two more will rise up and demand even more money. It’s endless! Look out behind you! Haha!

The best way to clear a path through these beggars is to scare them away. This is easier said than done for most video games journalists, because most of them are out of shape and don’t usually get much sunlight, so they’re chubby, pasty wimps and when the homeless descend upon them, they end up giving away most of their money and sometimes other possessions like watches and phones as well in fear of their safety. TAKE WHATEVER YOU WANT, JUST SPARE MY LIFE! It’s pathetic! Haha!

Meanwhile, your captain Metal Steve has no problem. Before I played in my current band Mighty Talon, I briefly played rhythm guitar and handled lead vocals in a death metal band called Casket of Serpents. I just heard you gasp. “You are the legendary Steve Serpent from Casket of Serpents!?” Yes, guilty as charged. Haha! If you know of Casket of Serpents, you no doubt remember our song, “Defiler of the Departed” – a song that I personally wrote the music and lyrics to even though my ex-bandmate Jacob “Prison of Pins” Richards broke up our band when he tried to copyright all the music like he wrote it.

Whenever I find myself surrounded by an army of crazy homeless guys, I just break into the lyrics of “Defiler of the Departed” with my raspy death vocals and the bums know to keep their distance. I’m like Moses, but instead of parting red water I’m parting crazy drunk people who want money from me. CLEAR A PATH FOR YOUR KING!

Please feel free to use the following sample of the lyrics for your own needs – Just don’t try to rip me off like Jacob Richards did:

You sit in a chair, slumped off to the side.
It doesn’t matter to me the way that you died.
I’m just here for fun, and it’s only beginning.
Your face is all rotten, it’s looks like you’re grinning.

Defiler! Defiler of the Departed!
Defiler! And I’ve only just started.

I take out my knife and begin with a cut.
Cover you with paper, you look like King Tut.
But mummy you’re not, my plaything you are.
Let’s put on a play, you’ll be the star.

Tip 2: Bring Condoms

Yes, you read that right, my disbelieving readers. You might be like, “Whoa Steve, what do condoms have to do with a video games convention?” Well, my innocent disciples, E3 might be a video games convention, but you can pretty much expect to get laid when you’re there if you play your cards right. At least, you’ll probably get laid unless you’re some type of weird religious dude or chick that doesn’t have sex before marriage, and in that case, what are you doing playing video games? VIDEO GAMES ARE THE DEVIL’S PLAYTHING. Haha! Actually, I’m just kidding. He probably likes baseball or something like that. Who knows?

Anyway, as anyone who has been to E3 can tell you, there are lots of girls at every booth called “Booth Babes” who flirt with all the video games journalists at E3 and very often they end up having sex with the video games journalists so they’ll give a game a good preview. Sounds great, right? I can hear you yelling, “Steve, I can’t wait! I wish E3 was right now!” But wait you must, my citizens, because unless you bring condoms, you’ll be sorry.

See, the Booth Babes are actually strip club dancers and prostitutes that companies hire to work at E3. These are women that have sex for a living, and they know what they are there to do. REPRESENTATIVES OF THE WORLD’S OLDEST PROFESSION REPORTING FOR WORK! Haha! Don’t be afraid to bring one of these ladies of the night back to your hotel room, but use protection. To quote the wise sage Billy Milano from the bands S.O.D. and M.O.D.: “No Glove No Love!” Nobody wants to experience anything like the rumored 2006 Gamespot Gonorrhea Outbreak! Painful!

Tip 3: Expect to Get Bribed

It’s pretty much a well-known fact that most video games journalists receive money to give games good scores. Remember when IGN gave that sucky kung-fu game a 10/10 score when it should have been a 6/10? You do the math on that one! No really, you do the math. Your leader Metal Steve hates math and used to force nerds to do his math homework for him in high school. WHEN YOUR CALLING IS TO SHRED, ALGEBRA GETS IN THE WAY. Luckily, math has nothing to do with metal, and now I’m in the band Mighty Talon and those dweebs that did my homework are probably working in some boring office somewhere. Haha!

So, back to what I was saying, games journalists don’t make a lot of money, so they rely on the game publishers to help pay the bills. Nobody ever got rich being a video games journalist, except maybe if they do something like write a book like that guy who wrote a Wii book for special education people. But what about the rest of the video games journalists? Most of them receive bribes, which we here in the industry refer to as “moneyhats,” because often times game companies line hats with $20 bills and give them to video games journalists.

I can see the look on your face. Well, I can’t really see it, but I can guess you kind of look like you found out that your girlfriend has been sleeping with some crazy homeless guy on the corner outside the Los Angeles Convention Center. “Hey Steve, I can’t believe what I’m reading. Don’t tell me you accept bribes!” Worry not, for I’m proud to say that your emperor Steve has never even been offered a bribe from any game company. They know that Metal Steve cannot be bought with their dirty money! MONEY TALKS, AND METAL STEVE WALKS! Haha! But you know what? Rent is due soon and I might be a little short this month, so if game companies have any spare moneyhats lying around, you know where to send them. Just kidding. Maybe. Haha!

Have Fun at E3!

Well, my loyal subjects, the time has come for Metal Steve to mount his mighty steed and ride off into the sunset. The day has been saved and you now know how to survive the madness that is called E3 with the METAL TIPS I gave you that you won’t find anywhere else. Don’t come crying to me saying, “Oh no, Steve, I forgot to follow Tip 2 and now I have syphilis. What do I do now?” because I’ll just laugh at you and tell you that maybe you should go apply to work at Gamespot or something! Haha!

Remember to have fun at E3, and don’t believe all the previews you read because most of those video games journalists probably received moneyhats and had sex with prostitutes in exchange for writing good things about those games! SEX, MONEY, AND VIDEO GAMES! Haha! Look for me at the show! But should our paths not cross, remember what your pal Metal Steve says: “It might seem nice to get money and have sex so you will write something good about a bad game, but you’ll be sad if you end up with crabs and the only thing you have to show for it is writing that the new Turok game looks awesome.” Later!